My Portfolio

I'm taking a break from the Raptors this week to give you guys a little peek at my portfolio. My online version is nearly finished, and I'll post a link up here when it is. Until then, here's a glimpse of what you can expect.

I'll be back next week to weight in on the Raptors' season, the team's playoff-clinching win in late March, and its playoff predictions.

MARCH MADNESS...Raptors Edition

Apparently there's a big college tournament called March Madness, where over 64 teams are competing to win something called the NCAA Championship. People tell me the upsets and unpredictability of the tournament make it entertaining.

Well, you know what else is madness? The Raptors in a third seed this late in the season.

And you know what else in entertaining? The Raptor mascot rejoining the team after recovering from injury!

Here's video of the devastating Achilles injury the Raptor suffered back in October.
(WARNING: THIS VIDEO MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR SOME VIEWERS)

Ouch. Heart wrenching. 

Thankfully, after a six month lay off, the Rap is back. He didn't try and push his rehab and come back early, only to suffer a season-ending injury soon after, like another NBA superstar whom I won't name. Okay, it was Kobe Bryant. Also unlike Kobe, the Raptor undoubtedly means more to his team. 

The Raptor does things like this: 

While Kobe Bryant does this:

It's no surprise the Raptor is universally loved while Kobe is reviled.

Back to this NCAA tournament for a second. As I write this, Mercer (College? University? I don't know) just beat favourite Duke. Mercer's players celebrate as Duke players slink off the court, dejected. If watching fine young men with all the potential in the world suffer is something people consider entertaining, I want no part of it. 

You're all Kobe Bryants. Or should I say monsters?

Gatorade Quenches Man's Thirst

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Forget Everything!

Forget every other NBA storyline happening this season.

Forget that the draft is the strongest it has been since 2003. Forget that the Raptors will likely finish in the third or fourth position in the East, making the playoffs for the first time since the 2007-08 season. Forget that the East is a laughing stock this year. Forget that the NBA is loaded with marketable superstar talent and has an exciting MVP race between Lebron and Durant.

FORGET ALL THAT!

Only one thing matters this season, and it's THIS!

Let that sink in.

Now breathe.

Just last month I wrote in favour of bringing the purple digs back. There's absolutely no way I played even the slightest role in this happening, but the return of the purps is a win for every Raps fan.

Sure, Toronto will only rock the jerseys for some of the season (only for select home games), but I'll take what I can get.

As a huge fan of 90s basketball style, I propose we take this one step further and have the team wear some of the greatest shoes from that era, namely, The Shaqnosis (Shaqnoses for plural?).

Damn. Purple jerseys with custom black and purple Shaqnosis? 

Forget the playoffs, the Raps are striving for something more. The team is striving to cement itself as a Canadian cultural icon. Think about it: the Raptors are bringing back its inaugural jerseys, using Drake as a Global Ambassador and announcing (once a team rep. reads my blog, I'm sure) that the team will rock the custom Shaqnosis shoes.

The Raps are headed in the right direction. Who cares about basketball. This is something bigger.

Raptors Lose in Triple OT

WIIIIIIZZZZAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDSSSSS!!!!!

It took three overtimes for Washington to beat the Raptors last night. Did I watch the whole game? Heck no. The regular season is largely a joke, and I have a life.

I watched some of the third and fourth quarters, and Toronto looked largely unenthusiastic about playing until its fourth quarter run to tie the game. John Wall played like a maniac, Jonas Valanciunus looked over-matched going against Gortat, and Terrence Ross's ankle sprain earlier in the game probably hurt the Raptors' chance to win. But really, who knows? The Raptors looked uninterested for most of this game and took interest when it was already too late.

But hey, we can't expect a team to come out strong for every game in an 82-game season.

Save it for the playoffs, boys.

In case you missed the game, here are the highlights (I'll probably watch them too).

DUNK CONTEST!!!!!!

Well, the dunk contest turned out pretty much how everyone expected it to: anticlimactic and underwhelming.

The new format was strange and the only real highlight from the contest was this:

The dunk contest has been broken for years. It's an over-hyped event that fails to draw the NBA's premier talent. Fans want to see stars like Lebron James throwing down monster off-the-wall self-alley-oops. 

This will never happen. Lebron is smart. He knows, even with him in the dunk contest, the event will end up a disappointment. The only way to save the dunk contest is to have fans collectively lower their expectations of what it is. The dunk contest has been an All-Star event for over 30 years. Realistically, how many different dunks can a human being create?

Watch winning dunks from the 90s and early 2000s. Some of those dunks are amazing (almost all of Vince Carter's dunks, for example), but if most of those dunks happened in a modern-day contest, fans would ho-hum over them. 

I still stand by my idea to have a shotblocker attempt to block players as they try and dunk, like Slamball. This is perfect:

Basically, what I'm saying is this: Drastically change the NBA court to include eight trampolines and include body checks. Dunk contest problem solved. 

Back to the Raptors

Last week's Target post was fun and games, but now it's time to get down to business: Talking about the Raptors making the playoffs.

Toronto is four games over .500 and atop the Atlantic, or as I call it: the Most Ferocious Division in the NBA. Brooklyn is making a run at the division lead, but that doesn't really matter. The Raps are a 3-5 seed. Looking at the teams below Toronto (Chicago, Atlanta, Washington, Brooklyn and Charlotte), it's safe to say the Raps are locked into the middle-of-pack playoff seeding.

Chicago is drastically hindered by injuries (though remarkably overachieving under Thibodeau and strong performances from Noah), Atlanta can't quite seem to put together a run with Horford and Millsap as its main cogs, Washington has some potential, and Charlotte is just Charlotte (but props to the Hornets coming back!).

I can't find much more to say about the East. It's an abysmally weak conference, with only four of its 15 teams notching a positive points differential. Compare that with the West, where 10 of the conference's 15 teams have a positive points differential, and the East will cause you to throw your feces at your computer monitor as you write this column.

A feces joke is a good a place as any to end this post.

Enjoy All-Star weekend this weekend!

Here's a video of the best Dunk Contest dunks to make you completely forget how horrible this event is to watch.

Target Acquired (PUN ALERT!)

Date: Monday, January 2, 2014

Place: Target - Winnipeg Southdale

Why: I visited to Target to conduct market research. The following are my findings.

Notes:

It's clear parents with children aged 1-5 are the target audience for Target at 10 AM. My friend has two children aged three and six. The three year old wakes up early and naps by lunch. Parents and Target have realized that 10 AM is the ideal shopping time to correspond with a young child's schedule. 

The parents are impressive. It appears the children are actively attempting to disrupt any semblance of a smoothly-planned, organized shopping trip by screaming loudly and repeatedly demanding to be removed from the shopping cart's child seat. The parents's emotional state is best described as impressively unaffected and indifferent. Shopping quickly and buying household products, parents are executing a common routine with little to no emotion. These people are the true heroes.

Judging from the children's distaste with the store, I've reached the conclusion that children do not run Target.

"Hi, do you like working at Target?" I ask the pleasant young woman working the counter as I purchase toothpaste and a pair of winter boots.

"Yes, very much," she replies, as she glances as me, her dark brown eyes weep for a better future, free of a red button up vest. 

Kidding. She generally seemed to enjoy her job and greeted me warmly.

What grabbed my eye most? Easy. The display of the new Fast and the Furious movie. Do I like Fast and the Furious? No. Did the display, which featured photos of Vin Diesel, Paul Walker (RIP), and The Rock, make me want to like Fast and the Furious? Absolutely not. But the display was the most prominent feature in the store, for me. That counts. I think.

If I had to describe Target in one sentence, and I will, it would be this: Target is a classier Walmart. 

I mean that in the most flattering way possible. I love Walmart. It sells decent products for a cheap price (sounds like a new tagline!), has almost everything and provides for best people watching. Look at how great this site is!

Target is the classy version of Walmart. You'll find nicer, more expensive products, less interesting people (at least at 10 AM on a Monday, anyway) and just as many products that Walmart has. The displays are nicer, the store is cleaner and you just feel better about yourself when you're in Target. Again, this is not a knock on Walmart. It's just that Walmart is like the ugly duckling of the box store family and Target is the prim and proper overachieving sibling that no one at school really likes (evidenced by Target Canada's lacklustre sales).

I think Target will turn it around. It's still a relatively new alternative to Superstore and Walmart in Canada. Visiting the store on Monday was my third visit to the store since it opened in the last couple of years. I bought a pair of boots for $50 that I'm impressed with, and my friend bought a pair of boots for $12 that she was psyched about. 

Next time I'm looking for decently-priced clothes I'll shop at Target. 

The store will become more popular with Canadians, but it will take time for word of mouth to spread. Then again, an engaging advertising campaign could help too.

Is Target's marketing department hiring?

BATTIOKE!

Okay, so last post I totally forgot that a young, explosive player name John Wall played in the Eastern Conference.

Wall is averaging some stellar numbers this year with an 19, 8 and 4. So yeah, fine, he deserves to play in the All-star game. Demar DeRozan made it, which is cool. He's playing well, and if the coaches selected Joe Johnson, why not select DeRozan too?

Now that my concise summary (read: lazy recap) of the All-star reserve selection process is out of the way, let's get to the most fascinating league event each year: BATTIOKE!

Check out these videos:

 

 

This is perfect.

'Lowry is a man'

"Lowry is a man."

This was what my friend's text message said tonight as I was busy fulfilling my duties as a pizza delivery man (that's right, man) and missing the Raptors beat the Philadelphia 76ers 104-95.

What could this text possibly mean? Surely my friend wasn't pointing out the obvious fact that, physiologically, Kyle Lowery is a man. So I asked him.

"He just had another sick game."

Okay, this makes more sense. But how sick was his game?

Well, Lowry's game was pretty sick. He had 18 points, shot 7-11, and notched a triple-double. Lowry's latest game is a reflection of how well he's been playing this entire season. All his numbers are up this season, and he's doing a pretty solid job proving to the NBA that he's an above-average starting point guard.

Will he make the East All-Star team? He should, but Kyrie Irving will lock up one of the two remaining guard spots. That leaves the other spot open to either Lowry or Deron Williams. Coaches select the reserve spots, and these spots generally better represent who's playing well season by season much more accurately than the fan vote. Lowry is having a better season than Williams, so here's hoping the coaches make the "right" choice (I consider this the right choice due to my delusional loyalty to the Raptors).

Didn't watch the game tonight? Here's the highlight pack.

Raptors are Hiding from No One

After a disappointing and, quite frankly, frustrating loss against the far-below-average Boston Celtics earlier this week, the Raptors bounced back to a 94-89 win over the Minnesota Timberwolves on the road.

The Raps wore their camo jerseys in honour of the Canadian Forces. In case you haven't seen them yet:

Yep, these jerseys look hideous. As bad, if not worse than the alternates some college teams tried out. I know the Raps' jerseys are in tribute to the Canadian Forces but come on. Can't the organization think of a more visually appealing way to achieve this? What about the CF logo replacing the Raptor logo at centre court for home games? Anything must be better than these abominations. And while we're at it, why can't the Raptors return to the days of their old colour scheme of purple, black and white? I understand that red and white are Canada's colours but everything about Toronto's old colour scheme and logo were perfect.

Check this out:

Look at that thing. Artistic perfection.

A couple years back I bought a throwback Toronto Raptors Starter pullover jacket. Do you understand how excited I was for that? I'm still giddy. Do I need to get out more and make friends? Probably, but don't take away from the beauty of the Raptors past logo.

So, to recap, the Raptors need to:

• Ditch the camo jerseys and find a better way to honour the CF, and;
• Bring back its old logo and colour scheme

Let's not pretend this isn't the best Raptors' jersey of all time.

Toronto Drakes are on a Tear

What's happening?

Well, ever since profit and future Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Masai Ujiri somehow managed to dump Gay's salary on a comically confusing Sacramento Kings franchise, the Raptors have played impressively. I mentioned in an earlier post how much I disliked Gay, especially due to his contract, but I never thought the Raptors would play like a team that HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF MAKING THE FINALS THAN THE MIAMI HEAT!

Of course, Hollinger's projections are a little off here. The Heat are a better team than the Raptors, entirely because of this:

Seriously, the Raptors are playing near-elite-level ball since the trade. Toronto is 13-5 since trading Gay, with some big wins over Indiana, Dallas, and Oklahoma City. Only the San Antonio Spurs have a better record over that same period, at 15-4. There's no talk of tanking for the Raptors anymore, and for good reason: the team is leading the putrid Atlantic Division (though Brooklyn and New York have played better of late). If Toronto continues to play this well, it will easily win its division, securing the three seed in the Eastern Conference.

And why shouldn't the Raptors make a run at the playoffs? The 2014 draft class is deep but Toronto has a respectable starting lineup with a strong bench in Grieviz Vasquez, Patrick Patterson, and John Salmons (despite his decreased effectiveness in recent years). Tyler Hansbrough is injured. When he comes back, the Raptors should reduce Chuck Hayes's minutes and have an even stronger bench than they have now.

Can the Raptors contend for the NBA Championship? Probably not. It doesn't have a superstar who can take over games (though DeRozan is improving yearly and playing significantly better on both ends on the floor -- more on this in a later article), its scoring and rebounding is below average, and there's absolutely no way Toronto will beat Miami or Indiana in a seven-game series.

Raptors' fans must be realistic in their expectations of what this franchise can achieve. Take a look at the history of the team. This season has the potential to be the best yet, with young core players to lead the team in coming years. Winning the championship is the goal of every team in the league; however, just making the playoffs is a huge step up for a team that has inspired anger and frustration over the last five years.