Raptors Lose in Triple OT

WIIIIIIZZZZAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDSSSSS!!!!!

It took three overtimes for Washington to beat the Raptors last night. Did I watch the whole game? Heck no. The regular season is largely a joke, and I have a life.

I watched some of the third and fourth quarters, and Toronto looked largely unenthusiastic about playing until its fourth quarter run to tie the game. John Wall played like a maniac, Jonas Valanciunus looked over-matched going against Gortat, and Terrence Ross's ankle sprain earlier in the game probably hurt the Raptors' chance to win. But really, who knows? The Raptors looked uninterested for most of this game and took interest when it was already too late.

But hey, we can't expect a team to come out strong for every game in an 82-game season.

Save it for the playoffs, boys.

In case you missed the game, here are the highlights (I'll probably watch them too).

DUNK CONTEST!!!!!!

Well, the dunk contest turned out pretty much how everyone expected it to: anticlimactic and underwhelming.

The new format was strange and the only real highlight from the contest was this:

The dunk contest has been broken for years. It's an over-hyped event that fails to draw the NBA's premier talent. Fans want to see stars like Lebron James throwing down monster off-the-wall self-alley-oops. 

This will never happen. Lebron is smart. He knows, even with him in the dunk contest, the event will end up a disappointment. The only way to save the dunk contest is to have fans collectively lower their expectations of what it is. The dunk contest has been an All-Star event for over 30 years. Realistically, how many different dunks can a human being create?

Watch winning dunks from the 90s and early 2000s. Some of those dunks are amazing (almost all of Vince Carter's dunks, for example), but if most of those dunks happened in a modern-day contest, fans would ho-hum over them. 

I still stand by my idea to have a shotblocker attempt to block players as they try and dunk, like Slamball. This is perfect:

Basically, what I'm saying is this: Drastically change the NBA court to include eight trampolines and include body checks. Dunk contest problem solved. 

Back to the Raptors

Last week's Target post was fun and games, but now it's time to get down to business: Talking about the Raptors making the playoffs.

Toronto is four games over .500 and atop the Atlantic, or as I call it: the Most Ferocious Division in the NBA. Brooklyn is making a run at the division lead, but that doesn't really matter. The Raps are a 3-5 seed. Looking at the teams below Toronto (Chicago, Atlanta, Washington, Brooklyn and Charlotte), it's safe to say the Raps are locked into the middle-of-pack playoff seeding.

Chicago is drastically hindered by injuries (though remarkably overachieving under Thibodeau and strong performances from Noah), Atlanta can't quite seem to put together a run with Horford and Millsap as its main cogs, Washington has some potential, and Charlotte is just Charlotte (but props to the Hornets coming back!).

I can't find much more to say about the East. It's an abysmally weak conference, with only four of its 15 teams notching a positive points differential. Compare that with the West, where 10 of the conference's 15 teams have a positive points differential, and the East will cause you to throw your feces at your computer monitor as you write this column.

A feces joke is a good a place as any to end this post.

Enjoy All-Star weekend this weekend!

Here's a video of the best Dunk Contest dunks to make you completely forget how horrible this event is to watch.

Target Acquired (PUN ALERT!)

Date: Monday, January 2, 2014

Place: Target - Winnipeg Southdale

Why: I visited to Target to conduct market research. The following are my findings.

Notes:

It's clear parents with children aged 1-5 are the target audience for Target at 10 AM. My friend has two children aged three and six. The three year old wakes up early and naps by lunch. Parents and Target have realized that 10 AM is the ideal shopping time to correspond with a young child's schedule. 

The parents are impressive. It appears the children are actively attempting to disrupt any semblance of a smoothly-planned, organized shopping trip by screaming loudly and repeatedly demanding to be removed from the shopping cart's child seat. The parents's emotional state is best described as impressively unaffected and indifferent. Shopping quickly and buying household products, parents are executing a common routine with little to no emotion. These people are the true heroes.

Judging from the children's distaste with the store, I've reached the conclusion that children do not run Target.

"Hi, do you like working at Target?" I ask the pleasant young woman working the counter as I purchase toothpaste and a pair of winter boots.

"Yes, very much," she replies, as she glances as me, her dark brown eyes weep for a better future, free of a red button up vest. 

Kidding. She generally seemed to enjoy her job and greeted me warmly.

What grabbed my eye most? Easy. The display of the new Fast and the Furious movie. Do I like Fast and the Furious? No. Did the display, which featured photos of Vin Diesel, Paul Walker (RIP), and The Rock, make me want to like Fast and the Furious? Absolutely not. But the display was the most prominent feature in the store, for me. That counts. I think.

If I had to describe Target in one sentence, and I will, it would be this: Target is a classier Walmart. 

I mean that in the most flattering way possible. I love Walmart. It sells decent products for a cheap price (sounds like a new tagline!), has almost everything and provides for best people watching. Look at how great this site is!

Target is the classy version of Walmart. You'll find nicer, more expensive products, less interesting people (at least at 10 AM on a Monday, anyway) and just as many products that Walmart has. The displays are nicer, the store is cleaner and you just feel better about yourself when you're in Target. Again, this is not a knock on Walmart. It's just that Walmart is like the ugly duckling of the box store family and Target is the prim and proper overachieving sibling that no one at school really likes (evidenced by Target Canada's lacklustre sales).

I think Target will turn it around. It's still a relatively new alternative to Superstore and Walmart in Canada. Visiting the store on Monday was my third visit to the store since it opened in the last couple of years. I bought a pair of boots for $50 that I'm impressed with, and my friend bought a pair of boots for $12 that she was psyched about. 

Next time I'm looking for decently-priced clothes I'll shop at Target. 

The store will become more popular with Canadians, but it will take time for word of mouth to spread. Then again, an engaging advertising campaign could help too.

Is Target's marketing department hiring?